Minerva* is a doctoral researcher in the first part of a part-time, structured, online PhD programme who is based outside of the UK. Here is her story in her own words.
*Minerva chose her own pseudonym
For a long time, I wanted to pursue a PhD, but fear and responsibilities kept holding me back. Throughout my life, I had seen people suffer miserably during their doctoral studies, so I developed very negative assumptions about the whole process. I genuinely believed that if I took this step, I would have to sacrifice major parts of my life and completely disrupt the balance I had built, so I somehow sabotaged my pursuit for PhD. I also questioned whether I was capable of doing it after being away from academia for so many years. However, seeing other people manage and succeed encouraged me to finally give myself a chance.
As an international student, pursuing this PhD is financially demanding. The fees are expensive, and this reality creates pressure because I am funding the programme myself. At the same time, one of the biggest advantages of the online route is that I can continue working full-time while studying. My work sustains my studies financially, and without this flexibility, I honestly do not think I could have pursued this degree. In many ways, the online structure allows me to maintain a balance between my professional responsibilities and my academic ambitions.
This programme has had both positive and negative impacts on my wellbeing. Positively, it introduced me to a new community of people and gave me friendships that I truly value. I love intellectual pursuits, so I enjoy the challenge that comes with doctoral study. I appreciate learning from knowledgeable tutors and engaging in academic discussions that stimulate my thinking. The program also expanded my perspective regarding my future. Initially, I thought the PhD would simply be another academic qualification connected to my teaching career, but I later realized that it could open completely new doors for me, including postdoctoral opportunities, research, consultancy, and alternative academic pathways. Slowly, I no longer started seeing myself only as a teacher. I began seeing myself as a researcher, a thinker, and someone who is continuously growing and expanding intellectually.
At the same time, this journey created a lot of tension in my life. When I first started the programme, I felt extremely anxious because it had been many years since I was last involved in academia. My academic skills felt outdated and rusty. I remember sitting in front of my laptop for hours trying to write assignments while constantly criticizing myself. I kept questioning whether I was using the correct sources, synthesizing properly, or even understanding what I was supposed to do. I often felt overwhelmed and emotionally drained.
The pressure of deadlines intensified this stress even further. Because I am paying for this programme myself, extending deadlines feels emotionally difficult for me. It would increase financial pressure, but more importantly, it would make me feel disappointed in myself. I place a lot of responsibility on myself, and I know what I signed up for when I entered this journey. I think this awareness helps me keep going even during difficult moments.
Over time, I became more confident in my academic abilities, and this confidence reduced some of the anxiety I experienced at the beginning. However, the PhD still affects my wellbeing, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I spend most of my weekends studying, often sitting in front of my laptop for nine or ten hours at a time. Physically, this leaves me exhausted, stiff, and inactive. Mentally, I feel like my brain never stops working. Even when I am not actively studying, I am still processing theories, assignments, readings, and ideas subconsciously. My brain feels like a non-stop processor. Sometimes I even dream about academic concepts or discussions with tutors because I am constantly thinking about my work.
My professional responsibilities also contribute heavily to my exhaustion. I work full-time as a lecturer, and my job requires a daily commute of around 120 kilometers. By the time I return home, I often lack the physical and mental energy needed to work on my PhD during weekdays. This leaves most academic responsibilities for weekends. Additionally, I find it emotionally difficult to disconnect from responsibilities, especially when people depend on me, so my work takes a lot from me mentally and emotionally.
Throughout all these challenges, my husband has been my main support system. He is highly emotionally intelligent, understanding, and deeply supportive of my journey. During stressful periods, he comforts me, gives me space when I need to concentrate, cooks meals for me when I feel overwhelmed, and even reads my assignments to give me feedback. His support eases many of the pressures I experience and helps me continue moving forward.
At the moment, however, I feel that I do not have many coping mechanisms outside emotional support. In the past, I used to exercise regularly. I loved kickboxing, swimming, and walking. Exercise used to be one of my most important emotional outlets, but because of exhaustion caused mainly by work, I can no longer maintain those routines. I recognize that this negatively affects my wellbeing. I also currently have almost no social life outside work, my PhD, and my marriage. Sometimes this leaves me feeling bored, isolated, and emotionally drained. Still, I keep reminding myself that this is only a temporary phase, so I continue pushing forward. I also acknowledge that not having children makes balancing the PhD and my career easier compared to what many parents experience. I am also currently attending therapy for unrelated personal matters. Therapy has helped me navigate internal struggles and emotional conflicts in my life. I am aware that the university offers different forms of support for doctoral students, including wellbeing and academic support services. Some of my peers found these services beneficial, and although I do not feel the need to use them at the moment, I appreciate their availability and would definitely reach out if I ever needed additional support.
One thing that has positively impacted my experience is the sense of community within my cohort. I developed meaningful friendships with several peers, and we have a supportive WhatsApp group where we encourage each other, remind each other about deadlines, and offer emotional support. Usually, I find large WhatsApp groups overwhelming and chaotic, but this group feels different because the connections feel genuine and supportive. Moreover, guidance and constructive feedback from tutors became an important source of confidence-building and academic growth throughout the program.
Although I appreciate the flexibility and convenience of online study, I still strongly prefer face-to-face learning. I feel more creative, energized, and intellectually engaged during in-person residentials and interactions. Learning and teaching genuinely feel like my life purpose. Spending time physically with peers and tutors gave me a stronger sense of belonging and helped me build deeper friendships. I do not currently feel lonely or disconnected, although I worry that the dissertation phase may become isolating because many people describe it as a lonely journey. Nevertheless, I am willing to make efforts to maintain these friendships, even if it means traveling internationally to meet peers.
Despite all the challenges, I see this PhD as transformative. Education and research give me meaning, motivation, and purpose. This program strengthened my confidence, expanded my thinking skills, and contributed greatly to my personal growth. For me, growth is the purpose of life itself. I believe human beings are meant to continuously expand intellectually, emotionally, and personally, and this PhD became part of that process for me.
I also want to add that I have always disagreed with the way society sometimes treats older individuals as if they should stop growing, contributing, or pursuing new opportunities. I strongly disagree with this mentality. I believe people can continue learning, working, and evolving regardless of age. In that sense, this program gave me hope, purpose, and an opportunity to do that. It reminded me that growth does not have an expiration date and that opportunities for transformation should remain available throughout life. I really appreciate being able to be a part of this program, and I feel other universities should consider such programs as well.