Lara’s story

Lara* is a doctoral researcher who has taken a long break from her structured, part-time, online PhD programme. Here is her story in her own words.

*Lara chose her own pseudonym

I have quite a mixed experience. One of the first things that I felt when I joined the programme was I was on the younger side. There was like a seniority aspect, you’ve got this level of seniority. It was a little bit difficult to kind of meld into that cohort. In the beginning, I did feel out of my depth.

The first couple of years I was doing well. Towards the end of the two years, I was doing really well. We did our first assignment. My grade was so bad, I nearly failed it. I think it was the third or fourth assignment that I failed. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I actually sat down with my lecturer. And she explained to me, ‘Okay, this is why I’ve marked you down, your points are fine, you’re not explaining them properly.’ And then I met with the learning developer. She changed my life because we just went through point by point. Both of those sessions were just amazing for me. I had to kind of rewire my brain to think qualitative.

I went through the marriage phase, the baby phase, and everything just kind of really hits you like a train. And that’s when the PhD really took a massive hit because I wasn’t able, physically, mentally was not able to give the PhD the time that it needed. My circumstances have changed significantly from when I started the PhD to now.

One of the things that I have faced is increasing isolation. There was obviously the cohort differences, the age gaps. I’ve had to take that break for family needs and issues, so I feel a little bit out of sync academically. It’s been very difficult to get back in touch with people. I’ve also found that if I do reach out for help, I don’t tend to get very much enthusiasm or interest. That’s not to say anybody’s not friendly. It’s just that everybody’s moved ahead. When I came back, obviously my supervisors welcomed me back, but in terms of trying to get ahead of things, I’ve had to depend on myself solely.

Can I do this? I’ve had a massive hiatus. It does end up into self-questioning, self-doubt, self-deprecation, and it can spiral if it gets out of control.

My supervisors are great, they’re absolutely brilliant. I’ve changed three supervisors. It’s been really great because with one supervisor, we come from the same cultural background, which has just added a great dynamic because I don’t have to say to him, ‘It’s Ramadan, I’m fasting, it’s not really going into my head.’ He just gets that. It just makes it a little bit easier to not have to explain yourself every single time. I think the biggest gratitude I owe is my supervisors.

What I have realised, as an adult becoming a parent myself, is my parents were tiger parents and so they just want to know, ‘When are you finishing?’ My husband is helpful in the sense that he does believe in me very much.

I think if I had done the traditional route, I think I would have had to give up. I feel very lucky to be able to engage with a programme that has this kind of flexibility. I do think it’s the flexibility that works more than probably just the digital aspect of it. I think I’m okay being in the online environment.

WhatsApp chats have not been helpful. When everybody’s saying, ‘Oh, I’ve just submitted this, I’ve just done this, oh, I’ve just been on holiday’ and you think, ‘I’m only at this stage,’ that can be even more depressing and isolating. EndNote has been brilliant, but even better than EndNote has been Rayyan.

Maybe we need to move towards things where there is an option for you to come in if you need to. I didn’t want to reach out to the university because there’s so much of my own personal life that I don’t really want to outsource to the university. Academia feels quite hierarchical, maybe a bit more collaboration, less distant kind of relationships.

I think it would have been nice to maybe have some kind of class or something where we could talk about how our lives are. I’m sure there are students who are going through mental health problems. I’m sure there are students who are going through massive life changes. There may be students who are going through severe financial difficulties. There are students like me who have had massive family changes. There must be a place where students like us could gather.